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Mary-Kate and Ashley: Why They Do the Things They Do
By Lore Fitzgerald-Sj÷berg
From The Brunching Shuttlecocks

While picking up salad shrimp at the local Harris Teeter, I noticed that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen ("Full House", "How the West Was Fun", "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Mall of America Party") now have a magazine, called "mary-kateandashley magazine." So steeped in Mary-Kate and Ashleyania is this magazine, that Mary-Kate and Ashley themselves are listed as two of the Editors-In-Chief. Sure, there's also some guy named Robert up there, but the twins can totally out-vote him.

My first question was "Why?" Or, to be more precise, "Oh, God, why oh why?" Luckily, the magazine promised to give the "Top 10 Reasons We Created a Magazine." We present those reasons, along with out commentary, here.

10. Because we can't find a magazine that features the things we want to know about.
Already, I'm intrigued. What dark hunger for knowledge do Mary-Kate and Ashley have that can't be satiated by some combination of "Teen People," "Newsweek," "Cosmopolitan," "The Skeptical Inquirer," "Star Wars Gamer," and "Hot Dots"? And why does it have to be a magazine? Do the Olsen twins require whatever forbidden secrets they seek to be interleaved with subsription cards? And lastly, given that they have to find the things they want to know about before they can publish them, why bother making the magazine? Are they trying to make the way easier for other adolescent twin girl/brands who vaguely resemble troll dolls?

9. Because we want real talk for real girls.
As opposed to Esperanto for Androids. It's very brave of MK&A to take this stance in a social climate that's increasingly hostile to both natural languages and flesh-beings.

8. Because girls can change the world--and we want a magazine that shows them how.
This statement would be more potent if it weren't accompanied by a photo of the twins in heavy makeup freezing their identical asses off while kneeling barefoot on a beach. Few world leaders have ever had the phrase "Put on more eye shadow and quit shivering" directed at them. As a world-changing force, I'd have to put the Olsen twins somewhere between wishing really, really hard and above e-mail petitions.

7. Because we want girls to feel beautiful inside and out.
I was going to make a cheap joke about how this must be a set-up for ads for lung glitter. But as it turns out, on page 44 there's an article on "Yoga, the calming cool workout craze Hollywood loves." Apparently they are concerned about girls' inner state, and if that requires justifying millenia-old disciplines with faddish celebrity gushing, so be it.

6. Because we're all growing up--and we want to do it together.
I'm not sure who "we all" are in the context of this sentence. Not all of us are growing up. Some of us need medical assistance just to live long enough to scratch their ungrateful offspring out of their wills. I can only assume that by "all" they mean all teenage celebrities who were once a single zygote and who have seen Bob Saget drunk.

5. Because we want a magazine that gives its readers the chance to be just as involved as its editors.
In that case, my first editorial decrees are as follows: Get Mary-Kate and Ashley some shoes, dump the article about what boys like in favor of a thoughtful piece about whether Open Source licenses will stand up to court challenges, and no more insincere platitudes disguised as empathy.

4. Because we want girls to have a place to share ideas and viewpoints.
See? They don't listen.

3. Because we're tired of being talked down to, talked around, or not talked to at all.
"Or talked above at. Or talked within among to. Or not talked from through in at all. We're just tired of prepositions, okay?"

2. Because we want a real magazine for real girls.
As opposed to a webzine for mannequins?

1. Because we can.
Which means "because you'll buy it." Which means "because you just shelled out six American dollars for a magazine featuring two girls whose big break was that they were able to say 'I'm sowwy' more cloyingly than anyone else at the audition." Once again, I find that Mary-Kate and Ashley have out-maneuvered me. Time and again, I lay my elaborate plans only to find myself walking into their trap! Blast you, Olsen twins! Blast yooooooooou!