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Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Magazine: One Writer's Angst
By Nick Prospero

God is dead. I learned this from the Olsen Twins' Mary-Kate and Ashley Magazine. I bet the clerk had already learned this, and knew I soon would too. So her pitying glances weren't simply for a 25-year-old man spending $5.99 plus tax on Mary-Kate and Ashley. "You might also be interested in the Olsen Twins' series of adventure books," I remember her saying. Indeed.

First let me review the mag: It's not bad. It's a good way to prep little divas for the weightier worlds of Martha Stewart's Living, Rosie, and O. In my issue, between ads for Mary-Kate's and Ashley's TV series; their new video releases; their two soundtracks; and their ABC Saturday morning cartoon; there are articles on makeup, 98*, Feng Shui, fashion, and India's booming film industry. On one page, the pop group Dream analyzes dreams (dreaming of miscarriages may mean you fear writer's block!). On another Sisqo assures us that, even a 400 pound girl, if she shows confidence "will have a dude knocking on (her) door." It can be banal, but I guess it's fairly innocuous stuff.

Then why my lost faith in God and all? Well, it's thanks to the article about Nelly Furtado. The one entitled "Whoa, Nelly." It was written by Mary-Kate and Ashley themselves.

Yes--the Olsen twins--who played the youngest Tanner sister on Full House--have had a written work printed before I have.

I decided when I was 20 I wanted to be a writer. That was over 5 years ago. For 5 years I've carried this dream, and nurtured it. For 5 years I've set aside four, five, sometimes six hours a day to watch television--but also to master my writing craft during the occassional commercial break.

And what were the Olsen Twins doing 5 years ago? Arguing about their Barney dolls? Doing the press junket for Double, Double, Toil and Trouble? Anyway--it's no fair that they were printed first. Do you hear me God!? Not that you're up there!

Not only has their authoring the article "Whoa, Nelly" shaken my faith in God, it has made me doubt--myself.

Even when they were infants, losing in the ratings to ALF, I knew there were things the Olsen Twins would do before me--bear children, have a series on the Disney Channel, share a Thanksgiving table with Bob Saget. But I thought, at least I could have a published work before them. I mean damn!--I had a 10 year head start.

And yet here I am at 25. Still floundering in college. Not published. Not even as successful in writing as the Olsen Twins.

This revelation easily could have spiraled me into an abyss. But then something came to me. Like a vision, like a ray of hope, like a biographical synopsis from the Internet Movie Database. I learned that Jaleel White is also 25, and still in college. Yes, Urkel from Family Matters is still trying to make it too.

That was the boost I needed. Fear not Urkel. We're better than the Olsen Twins. I know it.

How do I know? Urkel and I were born in 1976--the year Rocky won Best Picture at the Oscars. They were born in 1986, when Platoon won the award. Now who kicks more ass? Charlie Sheen from Platoon--or Rambo? I rest my case. 1976 rulz.

Sure, Urkel and I stumbled out of the gate. I flunked a few classes, he starred in the ill-fated sitcom Grown-Ups. But like Rocky, we're fighting back. Maybe when Urkel's done with film school I'll send him the script I'm working on about ago-maniacal sitcom twins who crash into the Andes and have to eat each other's flesh to survive. Our maybe we'll start our own magazine--Urkel and Nick. It's not whose magazine is first--it's whose is best.

You hear that Mary-Kate? You hear me Ashley? You may be on top now--but the 76ers are coming. Your worst nightmare is coming. Urkel and Nick are coming! And hell's coming with us!! Hell's coming with us!!